He said in the morning you need to be gone.
He knew I was already on one.
I said just another line, I’m fine
I’m going to need it to get me through the day.
Round and round, this cycle goes
Where it stops, nobody knows
On the 101, ninety one miles and
ways I could see this going down
I told her I was going home but we both
know that meant downtown
Round and round this cycle goes
Where it stops nobody knows
Where it stops, I don’t know…
Who I am, what this is.
What I want. Who he is.
Just keep going, going, gone
Won’t stop till I’m completely numb.
I may be playing with fire, or maybe I just like the burn
Fire and gasoline, am I ever going to learn?
Round and round.
This cycle goes.
Will it stop?
I wish I knew.
I wrote that poem during one of the most difficult seasons in my entire life after one of the times when I had just relapsed.
I can only describe the cycle of addiction as one that feels like you are on a never ending merry-go-round. You have become comfortable on it, even if your initial feeling towards the situation was fear. Now you are used to it. You are used to the spins, and the shakes, and the cycle. You know you can get off of it with help and support, but it doesn’t make it less scary to leave the comfort of the ride you’ve been on. The only thing you want more than to get off the ride is to stay on, and the only thing you want more than staying on the ride is to get off.
I think in ways we all get stuck in a cyclical pattern like this. Maybe it is not addiction. Maybe it is self-defeating thoughts or patterns. Maybe it is choosing toxic people to be in relationship with. We get so used to just doing what we are doing that we forget that we have a choice in the matter. We are adults. We have choices. Unlike when we were children on a merry-go-round and needed assistance from a trusted adult to get off the ride, we have choices. Sometimes that will require help (such as in the case of addiction) and other times it will require other help… from a higher power, or friend, or spiritual guide.
If you’re looking for a sign today to make the choice to get off of your merry-go-round, this is it. As long as you are breathing and as long as you are willing, you can start today. You have choices.
Choosing to get off and stay off of the merry-go-round has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do (and am still doing), but you know what? It is also the single most important step I have ever taken for myself.
What merry-go-round are you trying to get off of today? Leave your answer in a comment! I’d love to hear from you 🙂